thank you sasha.

this is a story a wrote for my november writing assignment, about power. i had to somehow include this picture in my writing.







It's not like i asked for this.

I didn't know it would turn into this big of a deal so quickly. Nothing's comparable to what she's been through, so no one can relate to her, and no one should try.

There are days when I wonder, 'Why me? Why now?' and then I feel selfish and petty for not considering her situation and only thinking of myself. But I'm tied to her somehow; an unknown force that keeps pulling me towards her inevitable outcome.

I've known Isabel for 13yrs. We grew up together, looked out for each other, understand each other... But even I can't understand this.

For her 16th birthday, her parents bought her an '82 Honda Civic to match her brand new drivers licence. She started staying out later, taking the car to remote places with her new boyfriend, Jay -- who seemed nice enough; and she certainly fell hard.

When Christmas rolled around 5months later, her and Jay were still going strong. I remember how he'd gaze at her while she was looking away, how he had cradled her in his arms when our younger siblings were tearing through their unopened Christmas presents, and how he'd been very polite to our families. She melted everytime he looked at her, and he'd played the right part and said the right things, but that's all he'd ever been.

Even though our birthday's are a month apart, we used to celebrate them together on July 12th, which was right between. We were turning 12, and after the party we headed over to the corner store, cutting through a wheat field to get there faster. She'd always loved competition, so she ran ahead of me calling, "Last one there's a--"

"Rotten egg," I had mumbled, breaking into a jog to catch up. She was nosing around an old barn when I found her.

We argued over whether or not we should be in there, then left when I susprisingly won. The sun was setting and a beautiful yellow light fell over everything, making the hay bales look like spun gold. She put her arms up as if to catch the sun and yelled at me to take the picture. She'd said she was stronger than me because she could hold the sun in her own two hands, and I'd agreed. It's still my greatest inspiration to date.

When I answered the phone on my 21st birthday, I clung to it so tightly, that I'm surprised it didn't break. At first I thought it was a joke, but then reality quickly set in. I rushed to the hospital, hoping to get there in time.

Jay picked her up for prom in his dad's camarro. I'm pretty sure he didn't have permission, but I could be wrong, I was really jealous..

She was always prettier than me, and prom was just another way for everyone to see that, so I didn't go. She begged me for days before, hoping to convince me, but I wouldn't give in, so she went alone with Jay.

It must have been two months later when she told me she was pregnant. The second she told Jay, he disappeared and took her heart along with him. She'd loved him so much, but to him, she'd been just another pretty face.

That's what broke her I think -- Jay. She stopped caring and lost hope. She had his baby coming; a powerful reminder of just how much he meant to her.

Sasha Lynn Santos, was born February 15; a day late Valentine's present for Isabel. The moment she saw her, she fell for him all over again. Sasha had his eyes, his dark hair, and his olive colored skin. There was no denying that she was his child.

Isabel sometimes couldn't look at Sasha, Jay's memory was just too painful for her to process, and some days she found herself completely ignoring her.

When I moved in to help keep Sasha healthy, Isabel was doing well. She would hum and dance around the quaint, little kitchen in good spirits, but by the time Sasha was 18months, she would have good days and bad days.

Sometimes she'd get up and get her act together, go to work, while others she wouldn't even open her bedroom door. I found out later that these days reminded her of Jay. She would lie in bed, staring at his picture, praying that he'd come back to her.

Things got really bad, really fast. I'd find her in the bathroom, searching for razor blades, or pills, with a lost, far-away look in her eyes. I'd get angry, and she'd break down and cry, apologizing, making promises I knew she wouldn't keep; but I swallowed them, hoping that the suicide attempts would stop.

Her skin was so pale in the fluorescent hospital light that I barely recognized her, and I noticed that someone had beat me there. I stared into Jay's dark eyes as he guiltily looked up at me. I was furious.

I stormed up to him, screaming insults, pointing blame, and he just sat there and took it all. After a long awkward silence, he finally asked me where Sasha was, and I realized that I didn't know. I had left her with Isabel earlier, and here she was now, lying in a hospital bed. Isabel...

I felt like I was responsible for Sasha, I had taken care of her, we were the same. She belonged to Isabel, and I belonged to Isabel. I left Jay sitting by her bed to go search the house for her.

When Isabel opened that door that day to find Jay standing there, she was overjoyed. She welcomed him inside, not bothering to ask any questions, and pushed him warmly into a chair opposite her own. Her heart had returned, the power he held over her head, no longer existed.

They had a polite conversation, her heart was more into it than his, and he asked to see Sasha. She began to lead him to her crib, and when she asked why he'd come, he told her he was leaving for good. She lost it. She ran to the bathroom crying, feeling her energy drain, feeling her self control slowly seeping out of her. She grabbed her bottle of anti-depressants and swallowed it's contents. Jay's frantic knocks and calls from the door, were useless against the drugs inside of her.

I returned to the hospital with Sasha in arm, only to see that the bed Isabel had previously been in, was empty. Jay was leaning against the wall outside the room, waiting for us to return.

The words I didn't want to hear, left his mouth and swirled around inside my head. And while I was slowly losing her, he was staring at Sasha. And I knew. I knew I couldn't let this happen to her. He had destroyed Isabel, but Sasha didn't know him, he couldn't control her.

He left, like he promised he would, leaving a lot of broken hearts and broken people in his wake. He always knew how to make a great, and timely exit.

Sasha sometimes asks about her mother and father and I tell her whatever she wants to know. I don't want anyone to control her, to have any sort of negative power over her. Jay destroyed Isabel and Isabel destroyed me, but Sasha is her own person. She's strong, she's young and she's powerful. She's everything her mother used to be.

She has the picture of Isabel catching the sun to remind her of that. To remind her that you can make your own power, that you can do or be, whoever you want, as long as you stay true to yourself, and remember that you are strong.