trouble is her only friend, and he's back again

recently i've found that i don't feel anything at all. i have no feelings, no raw emotions, just a hollow numbness where my heart should be. it's like i've been eaten by a terrible blood-thirsty monster. chewed up, and swallowed down, then quickly spat back up, because he didn't want me either.

can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

you gave me the eye boy, the too-friendly, goodnight eye. well i don't think i want your eye now. what do you think of that? i wonder what you would say if i told you, i wonder what you would do.

i don't know why you did that. i think we're both confused. i want him and you want her, but when we're together something strange happens between us. i don't know how, and i don't know why, but i miss you, and in my opinion, that's not a good thing.

you leaned so close to me, close enough i could feel your breath on my cheek when you spoke.

i need to quit you and your blue eyes. i need to stop thinking about the look you gave me last night and the butterflies it caused inside of me. because no matter how sweet or charming or caring you are, she's more important to me.

maybe i only like you because you treat me like i actually exist.

i liked him before i knew who he was.
i like him even more now that i do.

beautiful =)

HOLYMAGEEZ,

i'm sooo going to this movie the DAY it comes out ahahha,
i read every single book and now i just gotttta.

http://www.hollywood.com/trailer/6830024/Legend_of_the_Guardians_Trailer

!!!!!!

it takes two to whisper quietly,

why do you insist upon tempting me?

i pushed you away, i kept you back and here you are again, lying at my feet, asking for forgiveness. should i give it? i'm not so sure.

when we're together, everything's perfect, but there's always that uneasy feeling about the future. but what future, exactly? you leave without a second thought, whisking away, then reappear suddenly, as if from thin air.

i can't take it anymore, it hurts my heart too much.

"my hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me.

so won't you kiss me, so that i die happy?"

please make up your mind and inform me of your choice.

YOUUUUU;

this is pure sex in human form right here.

TATTOO

holy eff i'm so excited for this tattoo.

this isn't exactly where the writing will be, it'll be flowing across underneath the birds and dandelion seeds.. but HOLY H, i'm stoooked.

eddie vedder

he just may be my new hero.
even moreso than bryan adams -- which is a stretch for me.

i luhh him.
to put it that way.

ummm i really just kinda want to play sims,
because that life that i made for myself is just a little bit better than my own
actually no, a lot better.
i'm friends with people i used to be friends with.
they all have happy families,
even if i'm not included as part of them
we're friends.

i want it to be that way for real.

then there's the charles/james thing.
wtf were you guys talking about?
you're really nice to me when james isn't there
and he shows up and
poof. different person

asshole.

'cept for i think i reeally just reeeally like him
dunno why.
makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside which is weird for me
i kinda wish it didn't happen
he's a lot older than me.
then again, he always makes sure to say hi
but maybe he's just being polite.

WHO KNOWS?

don't forget about me

somewhere, somehow, some time ago..

----------
it's been too long since we've talked,
why did we stop talking anyways?
and why did you disappear?
why did you change so much?

it's not like we're that different,
i like to disappear every once in a while too;
but not for this long.
i miss our long talks about music
about your future
about my future

about our future.

we were going to do it together;
you'd be the talent and i'd be the voice.
you're a brilliant guitar player btw,
just thought you should know.

my future is over and done with.
i need to know if i'm good enough,
right
now.

i'm tired of waiting for everyone else.
i wish people would just tell the truth,
no matter how mean or harsh it was.
everything would be so much better.
no one would chase dreams that they couldn't reach,

we wouldn't build ourselves up
only to be broken down.

what kind of life is that anyway?

-----

where did you go? i need you now, please come back to me. i'll be here waiting, i won't turn away, i won't reject you. i'll be here, forever, waiting.

cutest gay man ever,

so i'm at work and my favorite customer walks in and orders his caramel macchattio.
now, he usually doesn't talk to me, at all, ever, even though i think he's adorable.
so i'm making his drink, and he just randomly says, "it's cold."
inside my head, i'm dying laughing from him pointing out the obvious, but also reeeally happy he talked to me.
so i go, "it's freezing."
and he says, "on my car it says it's only -25 right now."
and i say, "wow that's good."
and he goes, "yeah, warmer."
so i say, "it's a sad, sad day when -25 is a warm and happy day."
he laughs and says, "mhmm, my son asked me this morning why we had to live in this country."
i laughed, then said, "yeah, you know.. i'm pretty sure i'd rather be somewhere warmer like... the arctic."
and he laughs and says, "it's a sad, sad day when that's the truth."

MADE MY WEEK =)

thank you sasha.

this is a story a wrote for my november writing assignment, about power. i had to somehow include this picture in my writing.







It's not like i asked for this.

I didn't know it would turn into this big of a deal so quickly. Nothing's comparable to what she's been through, so no one can relate to her, and no one should try.

There are days when I wonder, 'Why me? Why now?' and then I feel selfish and petty for not considering her situation and only thinking of myself. But I'm tied to her somehow; an unknown force that keeps pulling me towards her inevitable outcome.

I've known Isabel for 13yrs. We grew up together, looked out for each other, understand each other... But even I can't understand this.

For her 16th birthday, her parents bought her an '82 Honda Civic to match her brand new drivers licence. She started staying out later, taking the car to remote places with her new boyfriend, Jay -- who seemed nice enough; and she certainly fell hard.

When Christmas rolled around 5months later, her and Jay were still going strong. I remember how he'd gaze at her while she was looking away, how he had cradled her in his arms when our younger siblings were tearing through their unopened Christmas presents, and how he'd been very polite to our families. She melted everytime he looked at her, and he'd played the right part and said the right things, but that's all he'd ever been.

Even though our birthday's are a month apart, we used to celebrate them together on July 12th, which was right between. We were turning 12, and after the party we headed over to the corner store, cutting through a wheat field to get there faster. She'd always loved competition, so she ran ahead of me calling, "Last one there's a--"

"Rotten egg," I had mumbled, breaking into a jog to catch up. She was nosing around an old barn when I found her.

We argued over whether or not we should be in there, then left when I susprisingly won. The sun was setting and a beautiful yellow light fell over everything, making the hay bales look like spun gold. She put her arms up as if to catch the sun and yelled at me to take the picture. She'd said she was stronger than me because she could hold the sun in her own two hands, and I'd agreed. It's still my greatest inspiration to date.

When I answered the phone on my 21st birthday, I clung to it so tightly, that I'm surprised it didn't break. At first I thought it was a joke, but then reality quickly set in. I rushed to the hospital, hoping to get there in time.

Jay picked her up for prom in his dad's camarro. I'm pretty sure he didn't have permission, but I could be wrong, I was really jealous..

She was always prettier than me, and prom was just another way for everyone to see that, so I didn't go. She begged me for days before, hoping to convince me, but I wouldn't give in, so she went alone with Jay.

It must have been two months later when she told me she was pregnant. The second she told Jay, he disappeared and took her heart along with him. She'd loved him so much, but to him, she'd been just another pretty face.

That's what broke her I think -- Jay. She stopped caring and lost hope. She had his baby coming; a powerful reminder of just how much he meant to her.

Sasha Lynn Santos, was born February 15; a day late Valentine's present for Isabel. The moment she saw her, she fell for him all over again. Sasha had his eyes, his dark hair, and his olive colored skin. There was no denying that she was his child.

Isabel sometimes couldn't look at Sasha, Jay's memory was just too painful for her to process, and some days she found herself completely ignoring her.

When I moved in to help keep Sasha healthy, Isabel was doing well. She would hum and dance around the quaint, little kitchen in good spirits, but by the time Sasha was 18months, she would have good days and bad days.

Sometimes she'd get up and get her act together, go to work, while others she wouldn't even open her bedroom door. I found out later that these days reminded her of Jay. She would lie in bed, staring at his picture, praying that he'd come back to her.

Things got really bad, really fast. I'd find her in the bathroom, searching for razor blades, or pills, with a lost, far-away look in her eyes. I'd get angry, and she'd break down and cry, apologizing, making promises I knew she wouldn't keep; but I swallowed them, hoping that the suicide attempts would stop.

Her skin was so pale in the fluorescent hospital light that I barely recognized her, and I noticed that someone had beat me there. I stared into Jay's dark eyes as he guiltily looked up at me. I was furious.

I stormed up to him, screaming insults, pointing blame, and he just sat there and took it all. After a long awkward silence, he finally asked me where Sasha was, and I realized that I didn't know. I had left her with Isabel earlier, and here she was now, lying in a hospital bed. Isabel...

I felt like I was responsible for Sasha, I had taken care of her, we were the same. She belonged to Isabel, and I belonged to Isabel. I left Jay sitting by her bed to go search the house for her.

When Isabel opened that door that day to find Jay standing there, she was overjoyed. She welcomed him inside, not bothering to ask any questions, and pushed him warmly into a chair opposite her own. Her heart had returned, the power he held over her head, no longer existed.

They had a polite conversation, her heart was more into it than his, and he asked to see Sasha. She began to lead him to her crib, and when she asked why he'd come, he told her he was leaving for good. She lost it. She ran to the bathroom crying, feeling her energy drain, feeling her self control slowly seeping out of her. She grabbed her bottle of anti-depressants and swallowed it's contents. Jay's frantic knocks and calls from the door, were useless against the drugs inside of her.

I returned to the hospital with Sasha in arm, only to see that the bed Isabel had previously been in, was empty. Jay was leaning against the wall outside the room, waiting for us to return.

The words I didn't want to hear, left his mouth and swirled around inside my head. And while I was slowly losing her, he was staring at Sasha. And I knew. I knew I couldn't let this happen to her. He had destroyed Isabel, but Sasha didn't know him, he couldn't control her.

He left, like he promised he would, leaving a lot of broken hearts and broken people in his wake. He always knew how to make a great, and timely exit.

Sasha sometimes asks about her mother and father and I tell her whatever she wants to know. I don't want anyone to control her, to have any sort of negative power over her. Jay destroyed Isabel and Isabel destroyed me, but Sasha is her own person. She's strong, she's young and she's powerful. She's everything her mother used to be.

She has the picture of Isabel catching the sun to remind her of that. To remind her that you can make your own power, that you can do or be, whoever you want, as long as you stay true to yourself, and remember that you are strong.

flying solo;

i want someone to love me, for who i am. i want someone to need me, is that so bad? i don't wanna break out in madness, but it's all i have. i want someone to love me, for who i am.

nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore. nothing is right, nothing is right when you're gone. losing my breath, losing my right to be wrong. and right with you there, i'm frightened that i won't be strong.

shaking it off, shaking off all of the pain. breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again.

i want someone to love me, for who i am. i want someone to need me, is that so bad? i don't wanna break out in madness, but it's all i have. i want someone to love me, for who i am.
are you gonna love me?
i want someone to love me, for who i am.

"sometimes i get so into other peoples lives, that i float off into their world, getting caught up in the plot line. it's hard for me to resist the urge to desert my ordinary life and go off in search of greater adventures elsewhere. i think that's hard for anyone."
i'd like nothing more than to just disappear for awhile,


********

i need somebody to lean on,

i'm feeling... umm, i dunno. i'm not feeling anything? which is weird for me. i have so many opinions on people right now, but i don't feel anything. it's like i'm dead on the inside; something or someone, has killed me.

o1. i neeeed you to get better mkay? i miss you so so much, and when you're sick i'm just even more lonely.
o2. there's something about you that irks me, but i don't know exactly what. maybe that you're always so pushy, and demanding. i don't take that well because i'm one of those people too.
o3. you destroyed my hand, and for that, i will be forever angry, for the next 4hrs.
o4. why did you leave in the first place if you're just going to come back now? i don't appreciate being used, so if that's what you're doing, please just go away. i really would like it if you would stay though, but as long as it's because you want to..
o5. what is your deal? you're always hanging off of a new girl everytime i talk to you. that bet we made? you lost. if you'd won, maybe there'd still be something between us. it's your loss, and i know i've hurt you, but you hurt me too. i don't like to be there just because you need someone to be there. i want to be appreciated for being me, not just for playing the part you need me to.
o6. ohhh, you're just too cute, i luhh ya <3

FUCK MY SHOULDER HURTS

well, i do it anyway.

you can spend your whole life building something from nothing, one storm can come and blow it all away -- build it anyway. you can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way -- dream it anyway. this world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today -- believe it anyway. you can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away -- love 'em anyway. you can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang -- sing it anyway, sing it anyway.

i sing, i dream, i love, anyway.

james greenspun;

alone in your mind, waiting for the sun to shine. alone in your mind, waiting for the sign, that it's time, to break free from the words that hold you down. to escape from the feeling, you are lost and can't be found.
don't hide your face, you cannot erase the pain that stays in your eyes. lay down your guard, show them who you are, behind your disguise.
you run, far from home, think you'll make it on your own. you run, fast and slow, but never seem to know where you'll go, to break free from the words that hold you down. to escape from the feeling, you are lost and can't be found.. lost and can't be found.
don't hide your face, you cannot erase the pain that stays in your eyes. lay down your guard, show them who you are, behind your disguise.
don't hide your face, you cannot erase the pain that stays in your eyes. lay down your guard, show them who you are, behind your disguise, your disguise.

everypartofme

well it used to be easy, all i had to be was me, now i'm mixed up..

i know you probably won't answer this, you probably won't even want to read it and i don't blame you; i just wanted to feel like i tried. and if you do start to read this, i hope you'll read it until the end before you judge me.
i was horrible, i said things i didn't mean to hurt you on purpose. and it felt good, it really did at the time. and i know i probably shouldn't even bother because it won't change anything, but i have to do this for... i don't know who exactly.. all i know is that i don't like it when we're friends, but i don't like it when we are either.
i know it's not your fault, but the reason why is because we're so much alike. you probably think that that shouldn't have a huge effect on how i act, but it does.
when i find someone exactly like me, i think they're perfect, but after awhile they become annoying and i don't want to be around them. like two cogs that are perfectly the same; as long as they're in place they run swiftly and smoothly, but after time they get run down and start wearing on each other.
and i know that you're the better person, so you wouldn't say anything, but i had to, i can't live with unspoken words hanging in the background. i'm sorry.
i lashed out, but i didn't apologize because i was happy to be rid of you then, i felt like i needed to get away. you moved on and i moved on, but the story stays the same.
it's like everytime i look at you, i get sucked in. i want so much to talk to you, even though i know it'll do me no good. you always end up hurting me in the end and i know you don't mean to, which makes it even worse.
everytime i see you i'm reminded of what we had, what you did, what i did. but we don't even look at each other. it's like we're see through, we catch the first glance and then look away, like no one's there until we're sure we've passed.
i hate not acknowledging you as if we have no past together at all, but i guess there's no future in it, so there's no point in dwelling on the past.

yeah, you'll never read this, but i don't care.

i couldn't possibly write anything that would amount to how i feel about you because there just aren't any words. it'd be like trying to explain what the city of atlantis looked like to someone who's never seen it..

goodbye may seem forever; farewell is like the end, but in my heart is a memory and there you'll always be.

hmm,

The funny thing about special occasions, is that you feel like you need to make them perfect; that you need everything to go just right, so that they'll be something you never forget. The funny thing about special occasions, is that the more they're screwed up, the more you remember them; the more you want to reminisce about them. The funny thing about special occasions, is that even though they seem special to you, they might not be to everyone else; they might be left out, or alone. The funny thing about special occasions, is that they aren't special, unless that special someone is there with you; unless they're there holding your hand.

Growing up .

---The future excites me; I can't wait to be sitting with my children, looking back on my grad photos, describing how much everyone meant to me. The ones I couldn't live without and the others I never knew. They'll laugh and point at how weird we looked back then, when at the time it was the style. They'll smile at my smile and want to grow up faster to be in that moment for themselves. They'll wonder what it was like to grow up in the past. How was it different? If they'll have to face the same decisions and problems?

Everyone wants to grow up, to get away from the tribulations that come with youth because when we're young we don't see them as advantages or opportunities. They're annoyances that only get in the way of our clean and easy path to adulthood, but I've learned to know different.
Some people long for the future in a way that's unhealthy for them. How will they ever learn anything if they just skip ahead? How will they come to understand who they are before they're thrust into the harsh world? Others though, long for the future to be able to look back on the past. They live their lives as best they can, so when they grow old, they can share their stories with others. Reflect on them and understand why things happened that way. This is what I believe in.
If you're having a hard time, you can look forward to growing up and not having to deal with it. But you also have to understand that while you live through it, even if you don't understand it then, you're going to come out okay on the other side. You'll survive. You can look back and analyze what you think it means afterwards, in the future. This gives you room to breathe, instead of being a captive in your own mind. You have time to do things that you love instead of always focusing on problems.
It's harder to remember the bad things that have happened to you, mostly because we don't want to remember them, but that doesn't make them unimportant. Store them somewhere, learn from them. Live it up while you can, when you're older all you can do is look back on your past.

Levi

The bag fit tight around my neck; I could feel the drawstring zip around, closing off my airway. It was pitch black, but I could hear them struggling to control my flailing body. There were voices: screams and angry words thrown at inanimate objects, possibly people, I was unsure, and then I felt the hardness of the ground as I must have been dropped. I lay there in shock, not knowing what was happening--a loud thud, and complete silence except for a few muttered words. I thought I was safe and then was picked up again. I was calm, I assumed it was my mother or father until I was thrown into the back of a truck, my head ramming against the rippled floor before I lost consciousness...

I woke with a start, covered in sweat. The sheets were twisted at my feet and a chill ran over me. I glanced over at the vent which automatically generated air flow, wondering why I'd suddenly felt so strange. I'd have to ask in the morning. They always disabled my means of asking at night, and I couldn't know why for sure; I probably never would. I flickered my eyes then wiped the sand away. It would be awhile before they'd be back to unlock the door. Might as well go back to sleep.
The hum of the controller starting up is what woke me. I'm usually a heavy sleeper, but this recurring nightmare had me anxious. I needed to understand it, it wasn't an option for me, it was a necessity. Because the controller had started, I could ask questions. I wasn't sure if it would answer or if they'd be watching, but I had to try. I slumped against the wall in the corner, closed my eyes and asked.

The images and whispering words flashed before my eyes violently and in the back of my mind I told myself I'd never be able to process all of it before she came. So I saved it. There's a part of my mind they've never been able to reach with their machines and they don't even know it.

I stood up and padded across the hardwood floor to the recently unlocked door. I loved that the controller was so predictable. In the general room I could hear Ainslay yelling at the staff, something she never did, meaning trouble. I assumed it had something to do with my questions this morning, so I flat out apologized.
"Ainslay, I'm sorry, I... I didn't know it was something restricted, so please don't blame them. They probably knew nothing about it."

"Levi... What ever are you talking about?" This wasn't a polite question leaving an open invitation for me to elaborate, this was a true question coming from someone I'd just confused. It threw me a little.

"Ahh... About my dream last night? Err... Well... Not really a dream.. More like a... A nightmare."

"Oh really? That's unfortunate. Would you like to talk about it?" She took a seat, offering me the chair across from her. That was better. I understood how to answer these rhetorical questions; the ones that didn't need answer, but expected you to explain.

"Well..." I sat and she ushered the staff away. "It's really kind of just a blur... All I can remember is being taken, stolen away, not shown or told where we were going. I can hear voices, a woman, like you, calling my name frantically, only her voice is much softer and higher. There's crying and... And... Swearing, fighting..."

Ainslay kept nodding, even after I was done talking. I was slightly worried, but knew better than to touch her or possibly even interrupt her train of thought. Perhaps that was what she was doing, trying to analyze what I'd just said. Maybe she hadn't understood what had happened to me either. But that was crazy talk, of course she knew, how could she not? She knew everything.

"Levi... I'll umm, I'll be right back okay?" her voice shook slightly and she wobbled when she first stood up. She started across the room, stumbling over the uneven stacks of books and slowly made her way to the door. Something about the deer-in-the-headlights look she wore on her face made me uneasy. I ran to the door, debating whether or not to look out for I knew it was dangerous.

They'd always warned me of the outside world, how it was barren, there were Predator's and we were the Prey. That was why they'd removed the windows, to keep me safe. I must've stood for a whole two minutes before finally flinging open the door.
It was white, everywhere. And I didn't understand any of it. There were fragmented pieces of a white substance falling from above. I reached out to touch it and... it disappeared. It was suddenly gone, like magic. But magic wasn't real, I'd been taught to know better than that.

So what was it then? I took two steps off the porch and suddenly felt a peculiar sort of shadow fall over me. Like all the heat in the world had been sucked away, leaving only an intense, stabbing feeling of... Cold, the voice said inside. Visuals were brought to my eyes, showing me someone else's memories. I could never quite get used to the feeling, even after all these years. Yeah, it was useful, but was it worth it? I wasn't sure, but when would I ever find out?

Next I focused on the white pieces: snow. It was so pretty, not one the same as another. I learned that it only fell at certain times of the year, but couldn't be sure what time it was now exactly. This was the old way of keeping track of time; I'd only learned it because I'd begged Ainslay after she told me it had changed. But I'd also been told that the earth was now a wasteland. So far I apparently know nothing.

There were trees without leaves, the long branches covered in thick blankets of snow. A pond was sheltered by the tall frames, frozen solid. As I got closer I could see orange and yellow leaves stuck inside, preserving their beauty. Even though I'd seen pictures of the four seasons, this one had to be the most beautiful. Everything was so calm and quiet. Still, yet moving. The snow falling set the scene, it was absolutely perfect. The wind blew in circles, swirling it in every direction. I couldn't help but smile. Then I heard it.

The voice, His dreaded voice. It haunted my dreams, even the good ones. It was as if I could never escape Him. Him and His voice and His eyes. They stared through you, as if analyzing your soul. They realized I couldn't spend very long with Him before I completely shut down when I was just little, but He never needed that long. He'd enter, say his four or five words, then leave. Some people need to work hard to make you feel their words, but He did it effortlessly.

He called my name, low and sharp. I knew that I'd be punished for this. Ainslay must've told Him about my dream and it must have been forbidden. I knew He wouldn't care for my apologies, they were juvenile. He'd go straight into an attack and I couldn't risk losing my newly acquired information. He was the only one of them that could get to me and I didn't know why. They tried, but none of them were as powerful as him, which made me afraid.

So I ran. As far and as fast as I could, away from everything I'd ever known, into a snowy abyss I knew nothing about.

Levi.

Levi!

LEVI.

LEVI!

I cringed against the sound of my own name. They'd realized I was gone, I wouldn't have much time now. I ran towards nothing, just trying to put myself as far away from them as I could. It was a good thing it was morning, the Predators wouldn't be out, I'd be safe until nightfall and then I'd have to be aware of everything.

It wasn't like I hadn't had a good life, they'd been kind to me. They'd fed me and taught me everything and I literally mean everything. It's what I did non-stop all day, every day. I hadn't known anything different, so I thought it was just how it was. Apparently not.

As I grew older though, I started to feel like something was missing. I couldn't understand why, but I had this instinct that something needed to be there that wasn't. Someone like Ainslay, only different... They were just for me, she would be mine. I could ask her anything and she'd be able to tell me and comfort me when I lost hope. I could look up at her and she'd smile and hold my hand through hard times. She'd clean my scrapes and cuts when I fell, even though I rarely ever did.

When I tried to search it in my system, it told me that the file had been erased. All I had was a word: mother. So I clung onto it, hoping that one day I'd be able to find what this word was, who she was, even though there wasn't much of a chance.
As I came out of my thoughts, I could no longer see any snow. How long had it been? I looked ahead and noticed a light. It was glowing on the edge of the horizon, as if begging me to come closer. I don't know what it was that drew me in, but I followed it.

I couldn't believe my own two eyes. The heat pressed against my face was wonderful, the twinkling lights unimaginable. The roar that came from below sent tremors through me and I felt a sense of longing. How had this happened to me? How I had I been tricked like this for so long? This wasn't real... It couldn't be! I was smarter than this, it was all a setup. They were testing me.

The voice calling my name proved me wrong -- and set me in a panic. It wasn't a trick, this was the real deal and I was afraid. If they'd managed to keep this hidden from me for so long, imagine what they'd think now. What they'd do to me when they found out I knew the truth.

I had to get out of here, had to escape somehow. Only there was no exit. Standing on the edge of a cliff, with nowhere to go but back, wasn't exactly where I'd pictured myself at the end of all this. I could've slid down, it was covered in snow, so it wasn't that dangerous, but I was too inexperienced outdoors to even try.

I looked out over the sparkling city on front of me. The cars, the buildings, the pollution, the people. They reminded me of something in my past that I couldn't quite latch onto. The memory kept sliding in front of my eyes, quickly, wanting to be acknowledged, understood, but it couldn't help that it was too fast for me. Every time I got close to remembering, it would zip away again, out of my grasp.

A lone melody floated to my ears; it was catchy--bubbly and light. It repeated over and over again, seemingly important. And then, it caught. The memory opened up, triggered by this sound.

December. Cold. Mummy. Daddy. Walking. Laughing. Singing. Skipping. Music. Smiling. Bells. Lights. Colours. Doorbell. Yelling. Thrashing. Screaming. Crying. Lifting. Carrying. Throwing. Darkness.

That was it, my story, my recurring nightmare, my life. It was all laid out in front of me, as simple as could be. I could find them. I knew what they looked like now, I could remember. I opened my mouth and screamed, "I'M FREE!"

"Gotcha!" the black bag's drawstring closed tight around my neck.

Dear Annabel,

This is a short story I wrote for one of my english projects last year about responsibilty. I'm aware that it just touches the topic without completely covering it, but my english teacher said she thought that it was an interesting way to look at it. Haha, you decide.

******

Why is it that when we love something unconditionally we always seem to need to do what we think is best for them? Who decides what's acceptable and what's not? I think everyone has a different perspective on love. Like snowflakes, no two people think the exact same way. They might have similar patterns and processes they go through, but if you tracked their DNA you'd find that it's impossible to be identical. Not everyone agrees with your opinions, which is why our world will always be in conflict and is such a cruel, harsh place.

I'm sorry Annabel.

I first met him when I was only 17 years old. We just kind of had an instant connection, one that couldn't be ignored. We didn't get together however, for another three and a half years. Our lives went in different directions until we met again at a grocery store downtown. He was picking up ingredients for a BBQ he was throwing and being who he was, asked me along. I naturally had nothing to do, so I accepted.

That night went well, it's one of the best memories I have of us together, one of the rare few. We hit it off, our chemistry strong as ever and were married in a little over a year. As you can tell, I fell absolutely in love with him.

I'm sorry Annabel.

We were at a party one time and he got a little drunk -- scary drunk. From wine spritzers and champagne, kokanees and canadians, to martinis and pina coladas. I'm sure he had at least two of each. It's safe to say he had no idea who he or anyone around him was. So when he hit me, I blamed it on the alcohol. The next morning as he started to come to, he asked me how I got my black eye and I told him that I had hit my face on a doorknob while sweeping the floor. I lied to him. For him.

I used to wonder why you can't remember anything that happens while you're drunk. Experts would say that it probably has something to do with a chemical imbalance, but I refuse to believe that. You forget what happened the night before because you don't want to remember. You don't want to have to face everything you've done because all we want is to get away from ourselves and our problems. And that's no excuse. I know that know.

This was how things went in our household for most of the next year. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve this kind life and I still don't understand why this happened to us.

I'm sorry Annabel.

When I walked through the front door of our house I could smell it -- the alcohol. It reeked of empty pizza boxes and beer cans. I made my way through the hallway coming to a stop at the opening into our living room. I could hear his steady breathing from the doorway. I peeked around and saw that he was sleeping, so i tried to make my way as quietly as I could, past him and up the stairs. If I was lucky, he wouldn't wake up until after i was gone in the morning. I wasn't.

As I was rounding his chair, i didn't notice the pyramid of cans stacked beside and being a naturally clumsy person, crashed right into them. He woke with a start. I can still hear his words in my mind. His usual soft, bright voice was replaced by a deep, throaty snarl as he came straight for me. A human's natural instinct is to run away from a threat, like animals, and if they know they can't escape they fight back.

I ran; up the stairs and into the closet. I knew he wouldn't be as fast as me, he was way too drunk to comprehend what was happening and i hoped that if i waited, he'd finally get so upset and lost that he'd pass out.

I waited in the closet for what seemed like hours. I couldn't hear him anymore, so I pushed my way out cautiously. He was waiting for me right outside the wooden doors, in a daze.

I'm sorry Annabel.

Those white, gauzy curtains, blowing lightly in the summer's air. Back and forth, in and out. It was a rhythm, constant, never changing, that I focused on. It would soon be all over, I knew. I'd close the window afterwards, in my solitude, to stop the pattern, the thoughts. They'd swirl around inside until I could no longer feel myself. What can you do when you're all alone, holed up in a room that you don't want to escape from? The answer is think; and my thoughts were never right, which made the silence deafening. We all like to pretend that everything's just fine, when the truth is, it never is. Something in someone's life is always going wrong. It might be a minor, little detail, but it counts. And those white, flowing curtains helped keep me sane through the madness. They were something I could always count on to be there for me.

I'm sorry Annabel.

I found out weeks after. A month and a half maybe.. the first week of September when I left for my parents in Michigan. They couldn't tell yet, it wasn't obvious to anyone but me. I kept us a secret for as long as I could, but maybe even that wasn't long enough. It's easy to come to conclusions after the fact, you already know what to expect; but when you're dealing with the unknown, everything's a gamble and I wasn't willing to put us on the line. So I left.

There probably would've been a better time to leave, considering the -15*C temperature outside, but I knew we had to get away from him. We made our way to the nearest homeless shelter and were told we could only stay the night on such short notice beacuse of the family rule. I was so glad to finally be away from him and I could tell you were too; the way you can feel when something has finally gone right for a change. This was a step in the right direction for us. Being away from him was safer, more relaxed, controlled. And that's what I needed for you. For us.

The usual residents were wary at first. Why did this woman have such well fitting and stylish clothes? Why did she look so put together? Why, was she here? I answered all of these questions,but the last one, with ease. They seemed to understand that we were in the same situation and I made friends with a few of them. They knew where I was coming from. Especially Alanne. A lot of broken familes had come in and out of the home and a lot of them even had personal experiences that matched my own. They didn't judge me because they knew that it happened to the best of people, after all, it had happened to them hadn't it?
When they told me later that they'd be sad to see us go when he came to get me, i was shocked. I never considered that he'd want to come looking for us, I just assumed he wouldn't care that we were gone. Well, that I was gone. If he knew about you he'd be back to get us and pretend like nothing had happened to pull us apart.

She was right. We'd been at the shelter for a total of 2 1/2 months and when he walked through that door, bouquet in hand, my heart dropped out of my chest. He had come. He could see the truth now. I could tell that he was angry, I saw the flash behind his eyes, but his smile never faltered. He was a wonderful actor.

He came in close, all of my new friends were watching warily for my reaction. As he leaned in to hug me and kiss my cheek, I flinched and saw the flash again. I remember him whispering that we'd talk about you later. To most people that might seem reassuring, but to me it was pure terror. I didn't want to talk about you, there was nothing to say, nothing more to do about it.

I knew that I somehow had to get out, so I went with him, assuring my friends that we'd be alright and told them not to worry, that I'd be back. I knew I could never return to the same place, the same friends, if I didn't want to get caught again.

I'm sorry Annabel.

He yelled all the way home, as soon as we were out of view and I was afraid for your safety more than mine. He threatened us, when we got inside, disregarding my feelings and pinching me in the face, then stormed up the stairs. I heard the clash of beer cans as he made his way up. And as I looked over my newly acquired bruises, I realized I didn't have to take this bullshit anymore. That I could handle this and take care of you my way. I was gone before he knew what happened.

It's so cold tonight. I can't believe it's April and it's this cold... As soon as I walked away from the house I knew it would be tonight, so I had to prepare myself. I walked to the bridge that Alanne had once described to me and when I got there, I knew exactly what she meant when she told me that it was the best place to sit and think.

There was a wooden bench, the metal legs bent up to the sky, as if reaching for the heavens, that faced the flowing river. The rain was coming down in big fat drops, plop, plop, plop. The setting was perfect for what i had planned, but instead of going ahead with it I did exactly what Alanne told me to. I sat and thought. About what I was going to do, about how it would effect everything and everyone. Some people would remember the good things, others the bad. Some people would miss being around me, some people would forget. I could take that, it wouldn't be much longer anyways, I could already feel the pain writhing through me then.

Four hours later and here you are. You're so beautiful, crying in my arms. I know I've hurt you, which is why I can't let you suffer anymore. Stroking your tiny little fingers and toes has made me smile one last time and for a moment I wonder if I can really do this.. But it's too late now, I can see your body growing still, the morphine kicking in. I couldn't let you grow up with him as a father. It wasn't fair to bring you into a broken, abusive home. It was my fault for putting up with him and his ways, and I'm sorry my little Annabel.

You're cold now; I didn't used to believe that that happened when somebody died, but now I'm faced with the reality. It's starting to become harder for me to breathe, my eyesight is blurring and fading and I feel as if I have abolutely no energy left. I wonder if this is what it was like for you mere moments ago? But it doesn't matter anymore, soon I'll be on the other side with you, I know you're waiting there for me, for us to go together. We're going to a better place Annabel Rayne Jones, a place where he can't hurt you, or me any longer. I'm only sorry that you couldn't grow up to see that this world isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be. That there's still sunshine through the darkness. Like what's happening right now for example. Goodbye world, hello Annabel.


Love,
Kaela Annabel Jones

04/28/09

Here we Stand Proud — no, Unfortunate to be Who we Are

I'm too proud to forget; to put the past behind me. It hangs like a dark cloud over my judgement, preventing me from pressing delete in my memory bank and pretending that everything will be okay. I know that that's what you want and in some ways I want it too, but to swallow my morals and adjust to how other people want me to be, just isn't what I do. Maybe it should be, but it's not.

Pride isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's good to have your own set of standards, but sometimes we set them too high and people can't live up to them. Finally they get sick and tired of trying and do something that crushes us unexpectedly on the inside. They don't usually mean to, but it happens all the same. We try not to care; not to show that it's silently tearing us apart because that would prove weakness, but then they go and apologize and what are we to do? Two options, millions of possibilities. The storm clouds come out, setting off the confusion.

Can you forgive them? Scratch that, should you forgive them? Sometimes to weather through the storm we have to stand strong alone, that way we can make our own decisions, come to our own conclusions. We come to realize that not everything should be taken into offence, but we should always be on defense, ready for an incoming attack. Everytime someone lashes out at us, we defend ourselves: it's only human nature. But after a period of time we get used to the constant blows and expect them to happen, thus we no longer know how to take down our wall. We keep it there for better or worse because it's stuck. Noone's come to break it down. Some have tried and the attempts are left hanging in the rigid air, scalding our nostrils as it makes its' way up and over the smooth wall. But what can we do about it? Should we forgive them for what they've done? We let them in and they decided — perhaps sub-conciously, but nonetheless decided — to hurt us. We trusted them and they took that trust and shattered it to milions of pieces. We opened up to them and they hit us where we were vulnerable. Sometimes it's impossible to forgive them for that. Other times we tell ourselves that we'll let it go this one time, when the truth is, someone somewhere is going to do it again. You can either learn to deal or avoid the confrontation. For the time being, I'm going with the latter. You can call me a coward.. any amount of horrible names you can think of because that's what I am, but I'm not sure whether or not you're worth another broken heart.